Loop
by ice shredder
Summary: Levi was tired of people leaving him. Heavy spoilers inside. Enjoy!


**Title: Loop**

 **Author: ice shredder**

 **Fandom: SnK**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Attack on Titan or any of its awesome people.**

 **Spoiler heavy for the anime/manga/and the 'No Regrets' OVA.**

 **Summary: Levi was tired of people leaving him.**

Anyone who accused Levi Ackerman of being a vacant-eyed killing machine would've been surprised to learn the opposite.

Contrary to popular belief, Levi was surprisingly intimate with pain and its twin loneliness. He knew them better than actual people and over time embraced them. It made life easier to deal with and he was better off alone than having to put up with the unpredictable nature of human beings.

...

At the tender age of eight, Levi killed his first man.

Holding the hilt of his bloody knife he looked over to the man who taught him how to fight and survive in the world. Only to watch in stunned shock as Kenny Ackerman walked out of his life. Not knowing the tall man's abandonment would trigger the start of a destructive loop that would haunt him for the rest of his days.

Levi stood there over his fallen opponent. If Kenny had bothered to turn around, he would've seen his nephew's silent pleas for him to stay shining in pools of steel grey that matched his dead sister Kuchel's.

Tears burned in Levi's throat as he watched his mentor leave, but forced himself to swallow them back.

He couldn't afford to show weakness in front of a pack of snarling wolves.

...

He sat at the plank table in his small flat he shared with Farlan Church, his best friend and right-hand man, quietly cleaning his knife blade with a soft cloth.

Life wasn't too bad. With ODM gear it grew easier to acquire odd jobs and get better pay. The sixteen year old thug wondered when they'd have enough money to buy surface citizenship. Not just for himself, but for Farlan and the other young men in their merged gang.

Suddenly his world was shattered by the appearance of a young fiery girl clutching an injured bird to her chest.

He didn't realize the simple action of saving Isabel Magnolia from three perverts and allowing her to live with them would alter the course of his life yet again. Good things rarely lasted in Levi's experience and he found himself savoring the carefree days with his friends, before night and day colored Wings flashed across his vision and he became a living weapon in the hands of the legendary iceman, Erwin Smith.

...

He rode slumped in his saddle, clothes soaked by the rain. The blood of the deviant who'd eaten his friends ran in rivulets down his skin, staining his cloak, his pants, even his button-down shirt but the young man stared ahead at the looming silhouette of Wall Maria his grey eyes empty and devoid of life.

 _Again. It's happened again. The two people I ever truly cared about are dead. They left me._ The image of Kenny Ackerman's lanky form retreating into the bustle of the Underground flashed through his numbed brain. His senses were dull and sluggish, a dangerous combination but right now, the ex-thug could care less.

Was this how life was gonna go? Just when he got close to others, they ended up leaving. As the decimated expedition group passed under the narrow tunnel connecting the outside world to the cage they called home, Levi vowed he'd do everything in his power to never allow anyone near his heart again.

That way when they died, it wouldn't hurt.

...

Levi managed to keep this promise for the next twenty-four years.

During that time, he witnessed hundreds of soldiers die in horrific ways. After awhile, he became desensitized to the unrelenting violence and slaughter.

Until a petite fireball with ginger-gold hair and shining autumn eyes caught his attention.

He found himself making excuses to sidle closer. To him, she was like a living brazier that could melt even the coldest of hearts. He wanted to hold his hands over the warmth she provided. It was the only thing keeping him from plunging into the icy pit of apathy. He knew he should stop. It was inappropriate to engage with a subordinate not to mention he became hyper aware of the rather... _noticeable_ age gap between them. A minor detail he might've overlooked but for some reason it became a big deal whenever she was around.

It was so stupid and petty and so damn _annoying_ he busied himself with work, trying to ignore the hurt emanating from those impossibly large almond eyes.

...

It didn't take long before he broke his inner promise. By a _woman_ no less.

But Petra Ral wasn't an ordinary woman.

She was an angel breathing sunshine, color and _hope_ into his dead, frozen heart.

He found himself doing and saying-but mostly doing, he was more fluent with actions than words-things that he never thought he was capable of.

On the nights he got to hold her in his arms after making love, he considered himself blessed for the first time in his life. But deep down, Levi was scared. This woman made him long for something more. Made him dream of a cottage out in the middle of nowhere-far, far away from the killing fields and all the endless death and destruction-with a white picket fence and a couple of kids running around, filling the air with their musical laughter.

He realized with a start he wanted Petra to be his wife. Levi allowed a small contented smile play over his lips as he wrapped his arms more securely around Petra's smaller frame. Once the time was right he'd buy a ring-and after he received her father's blessing-take her someplace special and propose. Not now though. He could wait. They had time.

...

Everything went black.

The air was dark.

The sun lost its shine.

Petra was dead. And Oluo. And Eld. And Gunther.

 _Dead. Dead. Dead._

The latest batch of victims to be devoured by the cursed loop that started the day he was born.

Levi saw nothing but red.

His dreams were gone. There was no point in planning for the future now. He'd been stupid... _foolish_ enough to try.

 _They left me. THEY LEFT ME! Why? Why me? WHY THE HELL DOES ALL THE BAD STUFF **ALWAYS** HAPPEN TO ME? Why can't I protect my loved ones? Why am I such a failure? _

Levi glided through the trees, a reaper on the wind, wanting, needing, _craving_ to rip through the Female Titan's flesh. He hadn't felt the urge to give in to his darkness in a long, long time. Not since Farlan and Isabel died.

 _I need...to fix that._

When he blurred up the demon's massive arm blood streaming in heavy arcs, it was the closest thing to bliss Levi would ever experience again.

...

When the dust settled over the Scouts' successful uprising against the monarchy Levi figured things were finally swinging their way. After decades of abuse, the Survey Corps were finally getting the recognition and support they so badly deserved.

But the short man was cautious. Thirty-four years of staring death in the face and surviving the impossible had honed his paranoia to a razor's edge. Sure they might've crowned Historia Queen of the Walls, but the real work lay ahead.

At Shiganshina.

He knew if they ever made it to the cellar of Eren's home things would drastically change. Whatever secrets lay hidden there, they needed to be ready to accept the truth, no matter how difficult it might be.

Levi almost didn't want to go. It meant humanity might have to change how they viewed the titans, possibly force the military to revise their tactics and he wasn't ready for that. He liked it better when he thought he was killing mindless monsters.

Now with the revelation that titans used to be humans all the blood on his blades suddenly felt like he'd committed mass murder. Just like the Colossal, Armored, and Female titans had...only he did so quite frantically.

 _He was exterminating his own species._

Along with the rest of his friends and those who had gone before, they were nothing more than psychotic butchers because _who else_ was cold-blooded enough, _twisted_ enough to cut down its own kind.

Only demons killed like that.

Levi let out a bitter chuckle. Who was _he_ to point fingers? He recalled the rush of sadistic pleasure when helping Hange torture Djel Sanes for information. Breaking the corrupt bastard's nose after Hange cut off all his fingers and beating him half to death had felt good. Impossibly good. It'd been years since he let his inner demon loose.

Levi mentally thanked whatever higher power that might exist, Petra had been spared the sight of him at his very worst. At least he didn't have to worry about her fretting over his humanity. He supposed that miracles-no matter how twisted- _did_ exist in the world. That still didn't stop him from wishing she was alive and breathing.

 _I'm no different than the shifters are. Neither are the rest of the Scouts. Arlert was right. We aren't the good guys. Not anymore. Maybe we never were..._

...

The elite squadron of soldiers selected to depart for Shiganshina were the same as before. 100 troops. Speed and stealth was the name of the game. Everything would work out fine, but they'd be in trouble if they got caught in a protracted fight against their enemies.

A situation he wanted to avoid at all costs, but Levi knew better. This was the shifters' last chance to capture the Coordinate so they'd be desperate. Which meant this would be the one and only shot they'd have reaching the basement and uncovering the answers they so badly needed to end this war.

Levi rode near the head of the column with his new squad. He glanced over to his right at the Ackerman girl riding point beside Eren.

The place Petra once occupied...

It was three months since the 57th Expediton and Levi still couldn't breathe. Her bloody, crushed corpse replayed on a nightmarish loop, over and over again, till it drove him to the brink of insanity. He was tired...so tired and he just wanted to get this over with.

Sharp clattering of horse hooves and barking orders at his passel of rowdy brats relieved the short man of thinking about the dead even if it was for a short while.

But he'd be damned if he let the loop get its way this time around.

Because this time...he wouldn't run. He'd swallow his pride and clamp down on the habit of leaving because he had abandonment issues, for the sake of his team. _I'm gonna keep these kids alive, whatever it takes. I'll make sure I don't leave them behind._

Levi was tired of losing people he cared about. Tired of people leaving _him._ So on the road back toward Shiganshina and the hell it represented he made a new promise.

 _Face your demons._ He killed them for a living. Now it was time to tackle his own.

 **-end**

 **A/N: Hope y'all enjoyed! Don't forget to review! Love ya. :)**


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